I recently had a little episode involving a mandoline. Given that experience, I thought I would give everyone some assvice on how NOT to use a mandoline, since I obviously, don't know how to use one.

And yes, I'm talking about one of these:

and not one of these:

When using a mandoline:
1) Do not act like a know-it-all when your wife cuts her finger trying to remove a piece of leftover vegetable that got wedged in the blade.
2) Do not take over and insist on slicing fast...very fast.
3) When the vegetable is too big for the guide, do not use the mandoline without the guide.
4) When using the mandoline without the guide, do not slice just as fast as when you were using the mandoline with the guide.
5) When you cut off the tip of your finger, do not stand there like an idiot looking at it as blood runs down your arm.
6) Do not try to stop the bleeding with a bunch of wet paper towels.
7) 30 minutes later when your finger is still bleeding and you go to the emergency room, do not try to hide the fact that you did this to yourself with a mandoline from the hospital staff. They can tell, trust me. In fact, I think they have bets on how many people will actually come in on any given day with an injury like this. I hear there's an over-under pool that's run by the emergency room janitor.

(Disclaimer: this information is for entertainment purposes only. I take no responsibility for how you decide to use a mandoline.)