It is a melancholy object to those who walk through this great town or travel in the country, when they see the shelves of wine stores, crowded with prodigious hordes of wines priced at ten, twenty, even thirty dollars a dram. Indeed, there was a time when such disbursements for a mere potable would seem temperate; now, with the markets' daily tumult and dependable, disagreeable daily decline, such incredible indulgences are rendered imprudent. In a fiscal environment such as we now find ourselves languishing, spending of any sort, be it for fundamentals or frill, must be undertaken in the most parsimonious manner that is possible.

I shall now therefore humbly propose my own thoughts, which I hope will not be liable to the least objection.

The number of Trader Joe's in this republic being usually reckoned at three hundred and twenty, of these I calculate there may be about two hundred and fifty of which are permitted by statutes of local trade to commerce in the sale of inebriants. It may also be noted that the wines of Charles Shaw (colloquially known as "Two-Buck Chuck"), an exclusive article of the hitherto mentioned retailer, maintain a steady production of some five-million cases per annum. As such, there is nary a more commonly available, nor more nominally priced wine (often made available for a mere three dollars and fifty) than Charles Shaw's California White Zinfandel.

I have in years past been assured by a very knowing New Yorker of my acquaintance in DC, that a bottle of Charles Shaw White Zinfandel of no greater than a two years old, is a most delicious, nourishing, and wholesome drink, made extra-nutritive through a healthy portion of supplementary sugar. A certain worldly companion of mine recently brought a bottle of said spirit upon invitation to one of our recent festivities. As events unfolded, the bottle languished, unopened, as vintages of greater note were brought forth. In light of recent economic events, and circumstances of personal note, I inspected more closely our pariah, uncorked it, and lighted upon its merits.

Long regarded by the urban elite as unusable but for dough rolling or paper weighing, the Charles Shaw White Zinfandel is verily a wine of unappreciated qualities. The color is reminiscent of an old, unwanted Valentine: washed-out pink, with a tinge of disquiet and desperate sadness. A nose redolent of strawberry Fruit Rollups and nothingness leads to an explosion of grapetastic, Starburst-esque flavors on the front palate, followed quickly by a refreshingly watery and efficiently short finish. Truly, a wine has never more merited the four hundred pennies its purveyor so humbly requests! 

Those who are more thrifty (as I must confess the times require) may dilute the wine with an equal portion of gin or brandy, thus extending its flavor and viable life tenfold. Likewise, when considered in a culinary light, Charles Shaw White Zinfandel's dynamic character avails itself to myriad possibilities, be it as a vin de deglacer, the medium for coq a vin, or even as the moistening agent for a risotto, the end result being of a caliber of which you have never tasted.

Therefor, I propose that, in light of the aforementioned quality and economic certainties, consumers shun all but this previously unconsidered alternative, being undeniably economical, and the product of manifold know mercantile quantities.

Considering the state of this nation's and the world's economy, I can think of no one objection that will possibly be raised against this proposal. Therefore, let no man talk to me of other expedients: Of considering that a wine of slightly higher price may be of exceptionally higher quality: Of exploring lesser known appellations, knowing that they are perpetually undervalued: Of looking to countries of economic strength less viable then our own, with the understanding that their exports can be had for a pittance: Of considering local wines, which, though relatively dear, mitigate the depletion of precious fuel, to the benefit of all in the long term: Of patronizing independent shops, who, though their prices are higher, are the lifeblood of this nation, and whose raison d'etre are inherently opposed to the like of Costco, Trader Joe's, and the other champions of the dominant milieu: Of spending money on quality over dreck, so that the cream may rise to the top, innovation and quality may be rewarded, and capital be recirculated to those that might use it best.

Therefore I repeat, let no man talk to me of these and the like expedients, 'till he hath at least some glimpse of hope, that there will ever be some hearty and sincere attempt to put them into practice.

I profess, in the sincerity of my heart, that I have not the least personal interest in endeavoring to promote this necessary work, having no other motive than the public good of my country, by advancing our trade, and giving some pleasure to the masses. I work for neither Trader Joe's nor the makers of Charles Shaw, and therefor cannot propose to get a single penny.

The End

Special thanks to Jonathan Swift (1667 - 1745).