Lunch is changing in this town, friends, and not for the better. Used to be that the muckity-mucks on Capitol Hill kept to their Prime Ribs, and their Palms, and left the "lesser" restaurants to us peons. Oh sure, Bill Clinton was known to jog to McDonalds now and again, but by and large, the realm of fast food stayed out of the political limelight. 'Course, that was last week, and habits must change with the pollsters' numbers. Keen to brand themselves as a kinder, friendlier, and folksier party (as if that were even possible), a group of GOP elite held the first meeting of the National Council for a New America at Pie-Tanza, one of Arlington's premier pizza joints. Mitt Romney, Jeb Bush, and other conservative luminaries, along with a slew of supporters and reporters, descended upon the restaurant last Saturday, stuffing the place with 100 or more people, filling it to capacity. No doubt, service was a bit slow.
Not to be outdone, on Tuesday, our illustrious POTUS and VPOTUS took time out from their busy schedule to visit Ray's Hell Burger... during the lunch rush, no less! (and ordered their burgers medium well -- for shame!) And those poor bastards stuck outside the yellow tape could do nothing but stare, hunger in their stomachs, hearts seething with hate.
Is this going to be a trend, I asked myself? In an effort to connect with all us "normals," are the bigwigs going frequent all our favorite casual eateries? Is Nancy Pelosi gonna take her staff to Pollo Rico for some yuca fries? Will Arlen Spector announce his return to the Republicans while popping peanuts at Five Guys? Is Justice Antonin Scalia finally going to come out of the closet at the counter of Julias Empanadas? We're proud of you, Your Honor, but that place just can't hold that many people!
Any way you cut it, regardless of quality, these places qualify as "fast food." People patronize them cuz they are busy -- I love ya Mr. President, but I only get a half-hour for lunch, and the clock is ticking. If this were to become sort of Capitol Hill fad... I mean, do you know how many congresspersons there are? Like, 500 or something, right? And with each bringing along an entourage of bootlicks, jesters, and official food tasters, they could shut down every quality fast food joint within the Beltway!
I tried to calm down a bit. Sure, this was all over CNN and the other 24 hour "news" channels, but no one was really paying it any mind. It was all gonna be OK. Then, what do I see on The Daily Show last night, but this!
|The Daily Show With Jon Stewart||M - Th 11p / 10c|
|Where's the Chief?|
Ack! Why, Jon Stewart, why?! With the nation's number one source for fake news dedicating five whole minutes to this story -- and mentioning the establishments by name, for Christ's sake -- there is no way that other politicians are gonna risk missing a piece of the action! Hell, some less scrupulous establishments might even start courting these monsters! Three tacos for the price of two with proof of Appropriations Committee seat? Free large soft drink for cabinet members, with purchase of any soup and sandwich? Lunch would be ruined forever!
I beg you politicians -- you decent, moral, handsome stewards of democracy -- go back where you came from! The Caucus Room; Sam and Harry's; they need you, and your copious amounts of dollars. You work hard; kick back, take your time, order a Martini with your $70 porterhouse. Remember those baked potatoes at Ruth's Chris? Not gonna get that at The Italian Store, I tell ya what. (Stay away from the Italian Store, you hear me?!)
We know that deep down, underneath that pricey suit and viscous patina of lies, you are just like us, so stop trying to prove it! You've got the lobbyist money, so use it, and leave us to eat our pizza and burgers in peace, for your own good. Heed well this warning, men of power: nothing sparks revolution like low blood sugar, due to a lunch deferred.